DIALOGUE

“Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you know, I, as the leader of this company, have been trying to implement some changes to better bring our little endeavour into the 21st century.”

“Yuh-huh”

“Sure.”

“As our two most senior workers, you have the ear and respect of your compatriots, and I thought it best to confer with you both first before taking this to your coworkers.”

“Yee-haw.”

“Right.”

“I’ll get right to it: we’re proposing to bequeath each worker a $500 bonus in exchange for bringing the work week from 44 hours to 40 hours.”

“Did you say five hunnert dollars?”

“We lose four hours a week going forward for a one-time payment of $500?”

“Yes indeed, to both of you.”

“Just like boom, five hunnert bucks?”

“Why would we agree to that?”

“Well, I’ve been hearing rumours that our workers are looking for more time off than is currently provided.”

“Damn straight.”

“You did? From who, this yokel?”

“You’re goddamn right!”

“Man, that’s a you problem. Sort it out yourself.”

“Nuh-uh—there’s plenty of us who don’t want to work so much.”

“And that’s detrimental to you idiots going forward, not something the company can barter with to save itself money.”

“They can too, or didja forget that we’d get five hunnert smackeroos?”

“Once. At the expense of all our salaries going forward.”

“But we still get our benefits, so what’s the problem?”

“Sure, until we agree to this and then take another $500 to go down below full-time in a couple of years.”

“Oh, okay, Mr. Futureman. I didn’t know you had yourself a crystal ball and whatnot.“

“How can you not see where this is going?”

“It’s going straight to my bank account is where it’s going.”

“You are just astoundingly stupid. Like, you can hear the words you’re saying, right?”

“Mm-hm. And I say we vote on it.”

“Of course you do—you’re already picturing the stripper you’re going to bequeath your five hundred dollars to “

“Hey, it’s my right to vote for working less for less money overall, ensuring that the company continually profits while my wages shrink, so long as I get a single payment up front that I can spend on whatever I want because there will be absolutely no consequences in my ability to pay for whatever life throws at me in the future.”

“Look, I can’t blame you for being a stupid person anymore than a bird can blame you for not being able to fly: you clearly don’t possess the apparatuses—apperati? Like it fucking matters—to engage in such things. But while there is empirically a right and wrong side to this argument, do you not see that they’re trying to manipulate us into fighting each other on this to give this crock-of-shit offer legitimacy?”

“That’s dumb and you’re dumb.”

“Remember last week when you tried to eat soup with a fork?”

“No. Shut up. It’s five hunnert pieces of cabbage to work less and I don’t see the problem.”

“I know you don’t. We could both be looking at a guillotine and I’d think I’m going to die and you’d think no more car payments.”

“Shyeah . . . no more car payments would be rad “

“Oh my god.“

“I see that this is a divisive issue—”

“It’s gonna be when you got motherfuckers like this standing between me and five hunnert sacagaweas.”

“It didn’t have to be divisive, but you designed a problem specifically to make it so, attempting to lure the dumb and weak-willed into fighting their fellow workers instead of you for suggesting something so obviously against their best interests.”

“We are just being transparent about coming up with solutions to ease our workforce into a better work / life balance.”

“About time!”

“So, instead of investing in us, you’re distracting us with a couple of shiny gold bars while nickel-and-diming us out of self-sufficiency.”

“Well, I believe you’ve got enough information to take this generous offer to your coworkers, and I expect that we’ll get this to a vote before the week is out.”

“I can’t wait to tell everyone we’re getting five hunnert bones with absolutely no strings attached.”

“And I totally can’t wait to become a pariah for explaining that not only is what you’re saying untrue, but that the company we work for is actively pitting us against each other so that we don’t blame them for actively trying to shitify our lives.”

“Hah. Sucks to be you.”

“Sucks to be all of us, you fucking moron.”